Saturday, May 20, 2006

Ten

Long time no post, eh?
I took a long break from blogging and blog trawling as my exams were right at my doorstep. Had to let go of many a "diversion" temporarily due to this fateful examination. For one thing, not being online every 3-4 hours sure hurt.... I hope I am not addicted to the computer like some Jap schoolboy game freak! Anywayz, my creative cortex has atrophied down these days and it might take a while to regenerate them. Oh yes, MY brain-cells can regenerate...... unlike yours, little pesky mortals! I guess I will take up this rather light tag hoisted on me by Ms Quills till I heal up and find work out some real crazy, weird stuff like my old tag!
The tag's simple, list your favorite simple pleasures of life. Ten of them would do..... and try to make it original and creative(Ahhh, NOW we are talking. NJAHAHAHAHA).

Oh BTW, the exams went pretty well and I expect a call this time (crossing my fingers now).......... but as the late, great Kamraj Nadar always quipped when someone quizzed him about eventualities, "Parkalaam, Parkalaam" ! One never knows, eh?
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1. Toppling Banana Republics in South America.

Sun. Sand. Sea. Jungle. Coke. Latinas.
Liveried flunkies. Personal Nicaraguan Death Squads. CIA "advisors". "Uncle" Escobar and Mr. Pablo from Colombia.
Accounts in the Caymans. International Immunity. Wall Street Cat's Paws. Gulfstream private jets. 300 Ft yachts.
Sendero Luminoso. Mosquito Coast. Mosquitos. DEA. United Nations.

South of the Rio Grande, life's a real cool box of chocolates for a mover n shaker! Carpe Diem.

2. Horse-trading in the Indian Cow-Belt Legislatures.

Sun. Dust. Ganga. Coal Mines. Ganja. Rabris and Ranis.
RJD/JDU MLAs. Ranvir Sena. Sadhu Yadav and Taslimuddin bhai from Bihar.
Etheral accounts in the Hawala. Caste-Politics shield. South Block Fixers. Scorpios. 2-Bull Power carts.
CP(Maoist). Jhumritalayya. Cows. CBI. IB.

Down the banks of poor ol' Gangaji, life's an ekdum jhakas maalgaadi. Aur Kya?

3. Strip-mining Earth.

May 20, 2006

Dear Diary, I did a grrrrreeeeaaaaaaat job with 16000 sq.kms of Amazonian rain-forests near Manaus. More than 5000 untermenschen tribals sent to our slave barges at Belem and 1767 flora and fauna species makes it to the extinct list. Ahhhhhh, joy! Let the fires of Isengard burn! Lord Emperor Cheney will be pleased. Still, I wish I found some oil there!
Next stop, Silent Valley.

4. Nukular Profileration.

Just the thing to warm the cockles of my ice cold heart and rev up a slow week. From yellow Cake of Niger to weapons grade Uranium from Pakistan to ring laser gyros from China, contact Uncle K's Nuke-Mart. 31 branches worldwide. HQ at Chawri Bazar, New Delhi.

PS: We ale a whorry owned subsidialy of Uncle Jiang's Takeout, HQ at Zhongnanhai.
Oul motto, "We Plorifelate whire you wait!" (Engrish tlansration flom Pinyin standald. Coultesy Ludladev).

5. Playing with my new Ring.

It came to us, oh yesss it did. It came to USSSS, my Preciousssss. Yesssss....... lovely, lovely Precious. My Precious. MYYY Precioussssss!

6. Threesome with Frau Farbissina and Xenia Onatopp.

No further comments. Thank You.

7. Monster Truck Carmageddon

Tired of your wives' nagging? Your daughters' teen angst? Your son's bail plea? The paternity suit? Confederate defeat in the Civil War/Pillorying of Modi by the pseudo-secular media? Neighbour's dog is "blessing" your lawn?
Do you want to make SOMEONE pay for all this?

Rejoice, for great joy and satisfaction awaits you!
Go Postal with the new Grave Digger Redneck Edition-2007 monster truck! Fully armed with 155 cm alloy wheels with protruding serrated knife-axles, 100mm rifled cannon, two .50 caliber Bushmaster MMGs, battering ram bumpers, 20 X 75mm Hydra rocket pods and 1800mm Reactive Heavy Armor!

-The Wanderer,
proud and satisified owner of the new Redneck Edition Grave Digger.


8. Sthree serial.


This 10000 "epidose" saccharine fest that charts the life of THE 400% Indian (Pati-Parameswar mantra/Karva Chauth-Monday Fasting/Sindoor tattooed/ "convented" and homely/trained in the 18 kitchen arts/"Chettaaaaa, dha chaaya!") wonder woman from her first days in Trivandrum General Hospital incubator to (probably) her victorious ascent into Godhood and beyond....... what, you thought Truman Show was original?! Watch her fight evil in-laws, lecherous "uncles", alien invasions, the Chinese army, save her family from sinking cruisers and hijacked airplanes and win the love and respect of her megadork husband. All in the finest traditions of Bharatiya Narihood.

Nothing better to rekindle hope in (Generation X/Y) women and marriage and love after you come home following a major scourging from the evil meanqueen HR boss, ze She-Wolf of ze Third Reich..... or another round of extortion by your evil bloodsucking girlfriend. One of these days I'm gonna.....

9. Prank Calls.

A carry over from those sylvan school and college days. This was a favorite past time of all boys down here, cutting across school lines. I still get kicks calling up my pals and givin them absolute shockers or sending them on wild-goose chases. Evil, huh? :P

BTW, here's the transcript of a prank call made (but sadly not by moi) 10 long years ago...... to ze domicile of a reigning Queen of Dreams. However, it was her dad who picked up the phone. Observe...... (Note: PG-13 rating)

"Helloooooooooooooooooo?"
"Yesssshhhhh......"
"Evangelical Bible Society alle?"
"Allello. Ithoru veedu aanu."
"Oho, enkil pinne P****kku phone koduthe!"
"Phaaaaaa choole! Athra tharikkunnengil poyi vello paarayil kondu oraykkeda!" SLAM!

(Whoa! They sure didn't expect ol' Mr. C to be so spunky...... that was a really original Parthian Shot. Hats off boss!)

10. Oz

No, *this* ain't shorthand for Australia. This is that slang in Mallu lingo...... a unique word like the F-word. A term that can be used as a noun, verb, preposition, adjective, adverb and conjunction, depending on the situation. For the uninitiated, Oz is zimbly the art of living off other's "graces". Ahhhhh.... now you get it! People may call it leeching, freeloading, siphoning etc but Oz much much more noble than that! It's an expression of your unblemished love, respect and regard for your "source". This funda stems from timeless uvaachas like "The best things in life are free" and Lao Tse's "Foolish is the man who doesn't take what is offered to him".
Anyone disagree? Come over and buy me a working lunch... we'll discuss it over some nice chow.
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These are a few of my faaavorite things....

12 Comments:

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Rockus said...

Whoaah!
So simple pleasures... :P

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger >|' ; '| said...

dude!
l'excellent list ye've put up heah!
famke janssen is deilcious..but whats de deal with Frau Farbissina, dear Dr.Evill...?!! kannu pedathirikkaanaano? :D
hehe..i feel like puttin up a dialog from de movie ' the wedding crashers'..here comes...surpised jamaican butler randolf, on seein something suprising-
-You ba**ing the daughter
and the grandma? How much jam
you got, man?
- Jam? L...
- Listen, man,the family dog lives downstairs.can wake him up for you, if you like.His name is Snooky.

and hey mon...if ye want to unleash ur true potential, do give this pc game 'postal 2' a try...life just wnt be the same ;)

and one more thing mon..if u need an evil handy man for any of these ventures, look no further, i m ur man friday(also works on monday-thursday and saturday, sunday 8->)

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger Jiby said...

oru simple tag...nee athine valache odiche oru bhayangara sambhavam aaki maatiyallode!!!

so finally u have broken out the anecdote of the greatest ever crankcall to the world!!!

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger silverine said...

Not bad. Methinks you will soon get a call from O'Sammy. After 9/11 his creative juices have dried up in the Afghan/Pak sun. It needs a robust mallu recharge :p

p.s. Chrissy babe is part of the menu I see or is she the Chef's Special ?! ;)

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Pinkbury said...

Simple pleasures are not so simple anymore...huh what day?

 
At 10:58 PM, Blogger Pooja said...

"Oz" => and why didnt I ever hear that?
Its funny, I just learnt another mallu word - homosexual in malayalam. May be today is a malayalam enlightenment day. Now I need to use all the words I learn [the way we work for our GRE ;)]
:D

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Anand K said...

@ Rockus: And I haven't even spoken of my wish-list. Quake in thy boots, mere mortal! :P

@ Poison: The threesome thing: Young Padwan, you have much to learn about wimmen. :P BTW, I have seen Wedding Crashers.... hilarious! Vince Vaughn at his best! Isla Fisher, his pair is delightfully posyively INSANE..... no wonder she married da Ali G himself.

Rise a Sith, young Master Venomous... you have been accepted into the Outer Circle. You first task will be to assist me infiltrate 19 recently ordained brothers from Binori Madrassa, Karachi to the eastern seaboard of the United States. DO NOT FAIL ME!

@ Jiby: Hush! C-Sir might be watching. ;)

@ Silverine: Ahhhh.... you haven't forgotten Christine! :)
BTW, OSammy's getting his Bar Mitzvah next week, and I've been told Rabbi Monica Lewinsky herself is doing the honors! I'll give submit your suggestion when he comes over after that.... :P

@ Pink: I thrive on chaos Mi'lady. Pleej understand my compulsions! ;)

@ Pooja: Welcome back, Pooja. We Earthlings missed your divine presence.
How did the exams go?

BTW, who is teaching you all these baaaaaad words?! Sheeeeeeeeeee! Bad Pooja! What would Sister Brenda think? :P

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger Pooja said...

Ah they went fine, how did yours go? Sr. Brenda, sure she is proud of me. As my malayalam teacher was in my 5th grade ;)

And btw you look like a good victim to fling all my new vocab on. Whenever thou art ready...

 
At 7:34 PM, Blogger Suji said...

If those were ur simple plesures, what wud a list of ur fantasies look like....lol.

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger quills said...

hahahaha...so funny. :) Only u can think up of such 'simple' pleasures.

And keep us posted regd the exams. Glad to hear it went well. I am sure Indian Administrative Services has a lot to gain by getting you on board. I am sure though they have no idea what they are getting into. :)

BTW, all the very best!

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger venus said...

still busy with no. 6 ?!?! ;)

havn't seen you in blogging/commenting in a while.

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Anand K said...

@ Pooja: Things look good as of now... let's see! Dunno what the naional scene is. Anywayz I think I have a good chance this time.
BTW, Brenda's pet eh? We have a saying in Mallu lingo "Kollunna Rajavinu Thinnunna Manthri". :P

@ Suji: Hi Suji. :)
Moi fanatasies? Ahh...let me answer this with one of the greatest filmi exchanges..... b/w Jack Nicholson (Col Jessep) and Tom Cruise (Captain Kaffee) in "A Few Good Men";

Col. Jessep: You want answers?! Kaffee: I want the *truth*, Colonel! Jessep: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

;)

@ Quills: Hi Quills, long time no see!
Ahhhh.... if they don't take me this time, Bharathamathavinu oru theera nashtam!
And about getting a certified nutjob like me in the service, there's this uvaacha by President LBJ on the incorrigible superbabu, supersleuth J. Edgar Hoover; "It's probably better to have him inside the tent pi$$ing out, than outside the tent pi$$ing in."

@ Venus: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. :P
More like No. 10 Venus-San! Living off a cpl of pals who came over from the US of Anand for their holiday. Thing is, I've been travelling for quite some time (and I'm leaving for Mysore this very evening, BTW) or I am busy with my next stage of preparations...... and loads of other stuff! Long time since I've done a decent blog trawl and haven't commented on some pals posts.... :(

Nyways, I might make a post today...

 

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